The alternate universes in my mailbox

There was a time when most spam emails
promised to increase penis size.
They were clearly one-dimensional.
And focussed.

I see spam today has evolved organically
just like the rest of the internet.

So occasionally,
on a laidback day,
which is mostly a weekly phenomenon,
I entertain myself
by skimming through the unread messages
in my spam folder.

The subject of the first message reads:
Congratulations, save your daughter.
The cliffhanger text confuses me.
Congratulations for what?
And what do I save my daughter from?
These are vital questions,
never mind that I have no daughter.
Or son.
I click to read further.

Hello Sir,
I am Sukanya, your Finance Manager.

Well, I did not know I have one.

Congratulations Save Your Daughter’s FUTURE for Educations & Weddings.
People usually break the bank putting one wedding together.
And my newly discovered finance manager here
is prepping me for multiple weddings
of my yet-to-be-born daughter
from my yet-to-begin marriage.

And what is this FUTURE for educations?
How many educations will make my daughter wise enough
for her weddings?

Talking about weddings,
the next email is from Payal Rastogi.
She mentions she’s twenty-four, beautiful, slim, well-qualified girl from.
From …?
Yes, that’s where it ends, I must figure out her location myself,
perhaps from her IP address.
She adds she is looking for someone who is smart, handsome and independent.
I don’t know if I can tick any of those boxes.
It’s a triple whammy, and a massive hit for my male ego.
I will call my Mom later.

I move on to the next email.
Hiranandani urges me to buy a 1-BHK apartment in their new project
at the mouth-watering price
of 1.5 crores.
Mouth-watering to whom is anyone’s guess.
Sometimes they replace mouth-watering with jaw-dropping, which I think is more appropriate.
Anyway, I feel happy that no one has hacked my salary and account details yet.
Else I would not have received this email.
Small joys of my life.

A home loan eligibility check is offered by the intuitively named
I curse my stars.
In another email, the same company offers me a credit card.
A certain sends me a bank statement of an account that I never had.

FantasticIndia says my August reports are available.
Now firstly, we are not done with the month of August yet,
And second, I am worried as to what they are reporting.
Is it my bank transactions?
Or my Facebook stalking footprints?
Or… my incognito browsing history?

FindAstro comes back after a few messages,
this time assuring me a home loan at the wink of an eye.
I don’t bat an eyelid, and click next.

StaleMenu offers free dessert on a lunch order.
And StayHealthy offers discounts on a glucometer so I can keep my diabetes in check.
They think I have diabetes. Cute.

IdeaFactoryIndia says I will be street-smart when I drive a Nissan Micra.
PolicyBazaar wants me to renew my car insurance.
FindAstro returns – Is there anything this guy can’t do?
promising to evaluate my old (and imaginary) car’s resale price for free.
I get off the couch,
pick up a rag
and wipe off the dried-up mud stains
from my bicycle’s frame.

Read more about this poetic form here: Spoetry

Image credit: Franck V.


6 thoughts on “The alternate universes in my mailbox

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